So a couple of days ago I took my kids to the playground.  It's about 1/4 of a mile away from our house - we live at the end of a dead end road and you have to walk all the way up the street and another half block and you're there.  It was around 5:30pm, which normally by this time I would already have a pretty solid buzz, so it felt really good, really "grown-up" and "responsible" to be doing it sober.  We were having a great time!  Which lasted about ten minutes.  My son, who just turned four, realized he forgot to bring his basketball and wanted to go back and get it.  Well, hells to the no we were not walking all the way back to get the damn ball when it was going to be dark in the next half hour.  Cue temper tantrum.

Off subject a little, just to catch you up a bit on the home life...

Being drunk/hungover most of the time, I was never consistent with my punishments.  I had no follow through.  I would threaten and cajole, sometimes cry, but never really put into action the many horrible things I would promise were going to take place if my kids didn't do as they were told.  HUGE mistake.  They take nothing I say seriously.  So now I am on this kick that whatever I say (if you don't stop screaming, you will stay in your room forever) will happen.  I really have to be careful about my threats.  Once they are out I can't take them back.  It is really hard to think on the fly when you are furious - I find myself yelling things like "If you don't stop running on the couch....I don't even KNOW what's gonna happen!!"  Scary, right?  I'm a work in progress.

Back to tantrum...

He is PISSED.  He's yelling at me, switching from standing with his arms crossed over his chest to kicking the grass and stomping his foot.  So I make the stupendous mistake of blurting "That's it!  We are going home!"  I wasn't ready, my daughters weren't ready, I'm just in such a horrible habit of making threats and not following through, it was out before I could think.  Now I have to pack up the baby in her stroller and get my daughter to leave with me.  Which is not going to happen.

Picture this:  A mom jogging her stroller down the street, two kids screaming bloody murder behind her.  They are throwing themselves on the ground, getting up, catching up with said stroller and then throwing themselves onto the ground again.  Over and over until we get home.  At one point, my son was even running in front of me to try to get me to stop.  I had three neighbors open their doors to find out what all the hubbub was.  A very nice woman even offered to let me leave my son with her.  (I don't think she had any idea how close I was to pretending she was serious.)  My daughter was grabbing onto my coat, so I was half-dragging her part of the way.  A drunk night would have been a sure thing not too long ago - what a perfect excuse to get hammered.  But I didn't.  At one point, believe it or not, I was laughing so hard I had tears rolling down my face.  Adjusting to sobriety when real life happens is a weird thing.  God, I just needed help in that moment - thank you.  And if anyone out there has some pointers on solid threats to make that don't ruin everybody's good time, I am open to suggestions!

Trust fall?

For those of you who aren't familiar with what a trust fall is...

Tosh.0: Viewer Surprise Trust Falls - Video Clip | Tosh.0 | Comedy Central


Now read on.....

AA - woot woot!

My husband is some kind of crazy.  He is like this weird rock that just IS.  He is my person that I can play "trust fall" with (although I know he moves out of the way once in a while, he only does it when he is in desperate need of a laugh) and he just won't give up on me.  I don't think he even believed that I was going to meetings half of the time at first, but he kept on keeping on.  He really is what made me finally decide to put my whole heart into this AA nonsense.  They say it doesn't matter what gets you there as long as you get there.  He definitely makes it on my reasons to stay sober list.  My kids should too, but what do they know?  I was a lot of fun as tipsy mommy.

I'm still in shock that my AA steps are in full force and are actually working.  I am on step four (which is a bitch no matter what anyone says) and it's all working.  I can't believe I am one of those weird, smiley AA people.  I really thought the whole thing was such a waste of time, I would never be able to go every day, I figured it would keep everyone happy if I went when I could and I would just plug away at stopping drinking all on my lonesome.  If there is ANYONE reading this who may think they have a problem (and usually if you think you do.....) please read all of step one, the really long version.  I feel like a little miracle has worked in the very center of me.  I'm not making anyone any promises, and I'm not going to say I will never drink again (saying that puts me into panic mode).  But I have had over a week without drinking that I feel kinda happy.  Kinda good.  I have had many weeks of just "not drinking" but for the first time ever I'm not clinging to the edge of this razor blade all day, the tips of my fingers bleeding, just hoping to make it through into bed only to start it all over again when I wake up.  I've gone hours - yes HOURS - without thinking about wine.  It really is like my own little tiny miracle, and I did my step one exactly seven days ago, the day that I wrote my last post.  Baloney you say??  I say, yes.  I wouldn't believe me if I were you either.  Lord knows I have been plenty full of crap before.  I really am having a hard time believing it myself.  I've never had a miracle work in my presence that I was aware of before.  No one but an alcoholic can know what the obsession is like and what it would feel like to have it lifted - it even tries to sneak back (it's only been a week, but here's to hoping) and I just have to say "BACK WINE DEMON - BE GONE WITH YOU.  RELIEVE ME OF MY STINKIN THINKIN...BOO YAH!!"  Just kidding.  I just ask God for help, not for anything specific, but just for help right now in this moment and *poof* - he helps!  A little too good to be true, eh?  Miracles...who knew?

And by the way - I will never use the phrase "stinkin thinkin".

Twenty-four Hours a Day

I have never had a meditation from the twenty-four hour book ring so true as this mornings does. I need to put it on repeat and wear headphones while I am running my race today.  Especially because I am a sooner than later type of gal.  Boo.

A.A. Thought For The Day

Sometimes we can't help thinking: Why can't we ever drink again? We know it's because we're alcoholics, but why did we have to get that way? The answer is that at some point in our drinking careers, we passed what is called our "tolerance point." When we passed this point, we passed from a condition in which we could tolerate alcohol to a condition in which we could not tolerate it at all. After that, if we took one drink we would sooner or later end up drunk. When I think of wine now, do I think of it as something that I can never tolerate again?

Meditation For The Day

In a race, it is when a goal is in sight that heart and nerves and muscles and courage are strained almost to the breaking point. So with us. The goal of the spiritual life is in sight. All we need is the final effort. The saddest records made by people are those who ran well, with brave stout hearts, until the sight of the goal and then some weakness or self-indulgence held them back. They never knew how near the goal they were or how near they were to victory.

Prayer For The Day

I pray that I may press on until the goal is reached.
I pray that I may not give up in the final stretch.

My angel

So this may shed a little light on why I am finding it so frigging hard not to drink toward the end of the day.  My little two year old daughter - whom I love very very much - is what some would call "a handful."  These are some of the stunts that she pulled:

1. Getting so mad at me that I was making her get dressed, she smeared aquaphor into her hair.
2. Smacking the water cup out of my hand, while full, onto the floor when I tried to pour it over her head.
3. Tantrum in the bathtub, throwing wet toys and a wet washcloth at me.
4. Taking the powder on the back of the toilet and covering every square inch of the bathroom in white while she was supposed to brushing her teeth.
5. Shower gel in downstairs bathroom everywhere.
6. As she is supposed to be drawing with her markers, somehow gets into my craft paint (which is hidden) and "paints" the carpet.
7. Clinging to me like a spider monkey and screaming "I'm the mommy, I'm the boss" while I am trying to physically remove her from her craft room for painting the carpet.
8. Hiding under the kitchen table, taking apart my FOURTH book light.  FOURTH in two weeks.  I had this one on the tippy top of my tall dresser.  I think she is a spoon bender.
9. As I have my back turned making her eggs, taking two out and smashing them Gallagher style, yoke everywhere in a matter of 0.3 seconds.
10. All matter of shoving, hitting and screaming at her brother and I while we are "ignoring" her and trying to build a block tower.  Her brother is four.
11. Taking every book off of the bookshelf and throwing it against the wall while in her timeout.
12. Drawing all over her bedroom wall.
13. Trying to make her own chocolate milk and getting Ovaltine EVERYWHERE in the kitchen.
14. Getting into my purse and destroying my last two favorite chap sticks.

I could go on, but there were still a few hours before her dad got home from work, and it is making me very twitchy to think about how the day went.  YESTERDAY.  All of the above would be acceptable as normal behavior for a two year old if it didn't all happen YESTERDAY.  She is like the Marley of toddlers.  I wanted a bottle of wine so badly last night.  When my husband got home he found me crying, hiding in my bedroom with the baby, the other two kids running back and fourth on the couch yelling and wrestling.  So yesterday Mae won.  Here we go again today.  Please, God, grant me the strength to make it through without drowning.

Make up make up

Whenever I suspect my husband is thinking about leaving me, I put on makeup.  I am not a makeup person.  I just think it's a lot harder for him to leave me if I look pretty.