AA - woot woot!

My husband is some kind of crazy.  He is like this weird rock that just IS.  He is my person that I can play "trust fall" with (although I know he moves out of the way once in a while, he only does it when he is in desperate need of a laugh) and he just won't give up on me.  I don't think he even believed that I was going to meetings half of the time at first, but he kept on keeping on.  He really is what made me finally decide to put my whole heart into this AA nonsense.  They say it doesn't matter what gets you there as long as you get there.  He definitely makes it on my reasons to stay sober list.  My kids should too, but what do they know?  I was a lot of fun as tipsy mommy.

I'm still in shock that my AA steps are in full force and are actually working.  I am on step four (which is a bitch no matter what anyone says) and it's all working.  I can't believe I am one of those weird, smiley AA people.  I really thought the whole thing was such a waste of time, I would never be able to go every day, I figured it would keep everyone happy if I went when I could and I would just plug away at stopping drinking all on my lonesome.  If there is ANYONE reading this who may think they have a problem (and usually if you think you do.....) please read all of step one, the really long version.  I feel like a little miracle has worked in the very center of me.  I'm not making anyone any promises, and I'm not going to say I will never drink again (saying that puts me into panic mode).  But I have had over a week without drinking that I feel kinda happy.  Kinda good.  I have had many weeks of just "not drinking" but for the first time ever I'm not clinging to the edge of this razor blade all day, the tips of my fingers bleeding, just hoping to make it through into bed only to start it all over again when I wake up.  I've gone hours - yes HOURS - without thinking about wine.  It really is like my own little tiny miracle, and I did my step one exactly seven days ago, the day that I wrote my last post.  Baloney you say??  I say, yes.  I wouldn't believe me if I were you either.  Lord knows I have been plenty full of crap before.  I really am having a hard time believing it myself.  I've never had a miracle work in my presence that I was aware of before.  No one but an alcoholic can know what the obsession is like and what it would feel like to have it lifted - it even tries to sneak back (it's only been a week, but here's to hoping) and I just have to say "BACK WINE DEMON - BE GONE WITH YOU.  RELIEVE ME OF MY STINKIN THINKIN...BOO YAH!!"  Just kidding.  I just ask God for help, not for anything specific, but just for help right now in this moment and *poof* - he helps!  A little too good to be true, eh?  Miracles...who knew?

And by the way - I will never use the phrase "stinkin thinkin".