11 questions

Has anyone taken that little test that determines whether you are an alcoholic or not?  I had to take it upon entering treatment.  It goes a little something like this:

Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a bit, but only lasted a couple of days?
Do you wish people would mind their own business about your drinking?
Have you ever switched your drink up to control your intake?
Have you ever had an "eye opener" mimosa during the past year?
Do you envy people who can drink without getting into trouble?
Have you had problems connected with your drinking during the past year?
Do you ever drink before an event to "get you started"?
Do you tell yourself you can stop at anytime, but have yet to do so?
Have you missed days of work or school because of drinking?
Have you woken up and not been able to remember some of the night before?
Have you ever drank alone?

Before we go any further I feel I should tell you I can answer a very loud YES to all of the above questions.  I'm also an alcoholic.  That being said, I feel I know many people who are not problem drinkers that can answer yes to quite a few of these.  This is just my opinion of course - anyone in my little AA circle would tell you something quite different.  But, back to my opinion.  I truly believe that moms need their own test to figure out where they are at in their drinking journey.  Moms drink alone.  Sometimes that is the only time they drink!  They sure as hell can't offer their toddlers a glass of wine.  (But if you are, please don't read my blog anymore - thankssssss)  My sister has wine and chick flick night every time her husband is out of town!  I added the mimosa because it was my morning drink of choice, but any drink will fit the bill here.  And not remembering the night before?  Come on!!  Who hasn't had this happen?  There is an entire movie franchise about this!  So I have taken the liberty of putting together my own little "Is my mommy an alcoholic?" test for you to take.  Some of these questions may make you laugh and some may make you a bit sick, but I can answer a resounding YES to all of these as well.  Don't judge.

Does your favorite wine glass also happen to be your favorite coffee mug?
Do you check the sink in the morning to find out what you ate for dinner?
Do you DVR all of your favorite shows because you know you will have to watch them again the next day?
Do you find yourself telling the cashier at your grocer that you "are getting such a good deal you had better stock up" to explain the amount of wine in your cart?
Having told said cashier this, do you have to go to a different grocery store the following week?
Do you find yourself buying wine according to the alcohol content instead of the type?
Have you ever found empty wine bottles in odd places?  (Such as the dryer, below the bathroom sink, under a stack of towels, your sock drawer...I think you get the idea.)
Do you have to time your recycling just right to keep the neighbors from seeing the evidence?
Have you run the water in the kitchen sink to disguise the "glug glug" of your wine?
Do random "mystery" packages from amazon/ebay arrive on your doorstep?
Have you told yourself it's very European to drink at lunchtime?

If you can answer yes to one or more of these questions, I think you may have to reevaluate your habits.  I am telling you this with the best of intentions - your liver will soon be informing you of it's hatred.  My husband has a saying for a hangover:  I woke up to find my liver on the couch with his bags packed.  Well, my liver actually did this.  I'm hoping I can curry favor with the little guy so he will get back to doing his job properly, but we will see - the things I did to him were pretty horrific.  All kidding aside, I know how it feels.  Moms can't talk to anyone about their problem because they are supposed to be super.  If anyone knew, they might take the kids!  Men don't have these issues - when they declare they are an alcoholic and get themselves to treatment, they are seen as heros - brave and upstanding.  They are putting their family first.  When a mom does this, people whisper...are her children safe?  Will she burn the house down?  (OK, so I don't know if anyone actually whispers that about me, but it's one of those guilty thoughts that keeps me up at night.)  But please, take it from someone who is going through it.  My kids will never look back and be sorry I got help, but if I keep drinking they will be sorry I was gone before they were ready.

Well, the screams of little mouths tell me it's time to wrap it up, but I hope to see you again soon.  And thanks for listening.